Confidence Isn’t Something You’re Born With – It’s Something You Build

Confident man on couch with woman

We’ve all seen the movies and TV shows where the confident, self-assured guy gets the girl, gets the job, gets things handed to him. What a lot of guys don’t realize is that you can learn that swagger. Building a lifestyle that supports your mental and physical health can help open doors that bring you new opportunities – including more interest from women. Too good to be true? Nope, it’s actually backed by science.

Confidence Makes a Difference When It Comes to Dating

Many women really do prefer seeing confidence when deciding which men to date. While men tend to like women who are slightly more confident than they are, women often place a much higher value on this trait. In studies of online dating, women rate confidently-written profiles as seeming more attractive.

New Research Shows that Men Can Learn Confidence

If you’re not usually the self-assured type, is there anything you can do to better help your chances? A new study published in the Journal of Personality is one of the first to show that social confidence can be learned. In order to test how confidence affected how women perceived men, researchers studied three groups of people:

  • Some men watched a three-hour video that covered conversational tips specific to speed dating.
  • A second group watched a three-hour video that helped people understand how to have better conversations with new people in general.
  • The rest of the men didn’t receive any sort of video training.

The men then went to a speed-dating event where they chatted with women for a short period of time. The men who watched the speed-dating video said that they felt more confident while participating in the session. Additionally, women thought that men from both of the first two groups seemed more confident. This shows that learning new tips related to speed dating or to having better conversations could make men seem more self-assured. These tips actually worked, too – women were more interested in contacting men who watched the speed-dating video after the dating sessions.


This experiment shows that confidence is a skill that can be learned and practiced. While some men may naturally have more confidence than others, there are things each man can do to build swagger that translate to generating more interest from women.

Other Benefits of Confidence

Increased confidence can have other positive effects on other areas of life, too. For example, people who are more confident:

  • Tend to try harder and be more persistent
  • Have better problem-solving ability
  • Bounce back from setbacks more easily
  • Have better work performance
  • Are more efficient leaders
  • Have lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, which in turn helps them perform better and feel more confident in the future

Overall, men with more confidence are perceived more positively by other people and are offered more opportunities as a result. Knowing this, it’s up to you to stop coasting through life. Unlock your full potential and perform at your best by working to build more self-assurance.

How to Build Confidence

So, we know that confidence can be built. The next question is, how? Here are a few ways to help you come across as more confident when talking to others. Try some of these out on your next date:

  • Take time to learn how to have better conversations: Communicating more effectively and more positively is also a skill that can be learned. In the study discussed above, men successfully gained confidence and got more dates by watching videos that taught them about conversational structure and offered tips for keeping the conversation going. This is something that you can do, too. For example, practice being a better active listener, or spend time coming up with discussion-sparking questions. By learning more about what other people appreciate in a good conversation, you may feel less pressured the next time you’re trying to connect with a potential partner. Being more knowledgeable and prepared helps reassure you that you’ll be able to handle different conversational situations, giving you more confidence.
  • Surround yourself with confident people: If you have a friend who’s got some swagger, pay attention to how they behave. Notice the types of phrases they use, and when they use them, and see if you can incorporate some of those things into your own conversations. Just the act of watching someone else do the things you want to be doing can build confidence and make you more willing to give new strategies a try. 
  • Cultivate optimism: People who are more confident tend to think more optimistically. Optimism isn’t about only expecting good things to happen or ignoring bad things. People who are more optimistic tend to think of bad situations as being temporary and are less likely to blame themselves for everything. They are also more likely to focus on which aspects of the situation they have control over, rather than allowing themselves to feel powerless. Viewing negative results as a learning experience can help you have more confidence in future encounters. For example, if someone you’re interested in rejects you, you can think about how you might change your approach next time. Reminding yourself of your past successes and focusing on living in the present can also help you develop an optimistic mindset. 
  • Get to know yourself before you get to know someone else: Science has shown that people can be more confident in career settings by branding themselves. When people spend time thinking about their personal strengths, goals, and values, they come across as more assured. The same might hold true in dating situations. Understand what matters most to you, and you may feel more confident about connecting with other people.
  • Practice what you learn: Spending time researching or observing can help build confidence, but it doesn’t automatically mean that your performance will improve. The best way to build a skill is by taking action. If you think of a new potential conversation starter, for example, test it out. If it works, you’ll probably gain more confidence in using it again in the future, and if it doesn’t, you’ll still have more information going forward. 

Confidence may come a bit easier for some than for others, but if you put in the work, you can see the results. Supporting your physical health can help, too. You know the drill – eat better, get some exercise. And if you’d like an extra boost, try Green Lumber. It’s loaded with high-quality ingredients specifically designed to help men optimize health. If you’re looking for a natural way to elevate your mood, energy, and confidence, we’ve got your back.